Negative Spirals do serious damage
A friend of mine recently vividly described a negative spiral that was threatening to do some serious damage to multiple aspects of his life.
Over the years I have dealt with my fair share of negative spirals and I know how debilitating they can so I really feel for the guy. I have also give a good amount of thought to breaking these damn things.
Keep in mind that I am in no way a trained psychologist and I probably don’t have any business giving advice about how to shake depression.
Despite all that jazz here is what I told him.
Amigo, you have described the negative spirals that continuously threaten our sanity in vivid painful detail. These cycles are monumentally real and absolutely terrifying because they often put years of hard work, valuable relationships, and all of the things that we cherish in jeopardy.
I could have written much of this myself and am currently wrestling with many of the same feelings and emotions. Big changes, even for the better, often trigger uncertainty which is a harbinger of negative spirals.
While I feel that I am precipitously close to descending into a negative spiral myself, because of the aforementioned uncertainty, I will try to take step back to tell you how I am trying to avoid it / pull myself out of it / push myself in the other direction.
One of the things that is really frustrating about spirals is that they often rob you of your joy. The things that brought happiness and enjoyment in the past just don’t work anymore. For me, lately this means that I can’t read books, which have been one of the things that have always been a safe place and something that brought me joy or at least gave me a break from turmoil. I have started and stopped reading about a dozen books in the last 3 months. This sucks and I don’t know how to deal with it. Also exercise. For almost 20 years now fitness has been one of the main factors that contributed to my sanity. Lately it is just totally unenjoyable. Again I am at a total loss as to how to deal with this.
What all of this emphasizes – Getting to the point here
For me and the point that I am trying to make is that sometimes you need to mix things up. On my last couple of to-do lists I have added, do something I have never done before. Keep it interesting, spice of life, break your routine, pursue a neglected curiosity. I recently heard it said that curiosity is one of the things that makes life worth living, keeps things interesting, and keeps people young. So – When nothing is working – DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT – That was the longwinded first suggestion.
Second – Isolation is as bad for you as smoking
Isolation is really fucking dangerous and something I have the tendency to gravitate towards. I am sure that with your new single status it is easy to isolate yourself too. I would urge you to get out and do things. Important note – Breaking isolation does not mean going to the bar. If you want to meet crossfit chicks – do crossfit. Get on meetup and find some groups. Volunteer for something. Start a new hobby.
Next – Be a fucking weirdo
Do something creative. For guys our ages it is easy to think that this is inconsequential or useless. But the truth is that sitting down and creating something even as simple as a 5 line poem can have drastic effects. It forces you to break your train of talk. It distracts you. When you are finished you have a certain level of accomplishment. Creativity also often leads to interesting places and helps you make interesting insights into yourself.
Examine your goals from a different perspective. I am thinking of my current situation here. For years I wanted the job I have now. I thought it would offer balance, financial stability, blah blah blah, and happiness. Once I got here I pretty quickly realized it offered none of this. What I also realized was that no one here really wants to be here. Everyone’s favorite pastime is complaining. I could have saved myself the heartache of getting what appears to be a good job by talking to the people that have done what I was trying to do and made a decision based on their happiness. This is something that Daniel Gilbert talks about extensively in his book. We are ridiculously terrible at thinking that certain things will make us happy only to find that they don’t. The only way around this is to ask people how they like their situations.
For you this might be talking to other landlords about how they feel now that they own 50 units. It might also mean talking to someone who is remarried or has dealt with similar family issues to you and is just a little farther out.
Last suggestion – It’s ok to feel like shit
Always give yourself permission to feel like shit. You have had a rough couple year it would be hard on anyone. If you were grinning through all the bullshit and tribulations, you would be known as a sociopath. Also, realize and remind yourself that because of this turmoil you will be a better person, you will come out anew and you will learn valuable lessons from this. This is temporary and your future will be greater than your past.
There is experience and there are the stories we tell ourselves about our experiences. What story are you telling yourself right now and how do you need to change that story.
As far as waking up early goes. I think the simple truth here is that you are starting the day with an early win. As a night owl I really struggle with getting up early but on the off chance that I am up early for an occasion, event, race, fantastic sun rise there is nothing like it. There is peace, excitement, beauty, mystery, opportunity and potential all wrapped up neatly in that single dwindling moment.